2004-04-01 - 12:50 p.m.
God another letter.
We talked yesterday. You told me about you meeting the guy from the garden centre you knew. How he wanted you to come around and have sex. Please stop telling me about people who come on to you, or you come on to. Tell me if you get a girlfriend, or in a general way if your sleeping around and pulling, but it just hurts me. I know that your insecure so these things are wonderful to you, but I’m your friend, image me hurt because no one fancies me.
I needed to say that because the conversation was so wonderful, so nice and happy. Just for that little bit. I was explaining my situation to someone who I’ve not seen in a while, and when she heard the story she asked ‘is he trying to hurt you’, and I’ve had to ask myself that loads. I want you to ask people how they would feel if what your doing was happing to them, ask them if they would want their ex to tell them they’d written a song about shagging their best friend –I’m not acting weird, or getting hurt because I’m too sensitive. And your not trying to hurt me, I think you just don’t, you didn’t learn as a child what actually hurts people, because you never did anything in case it did. I would write poems that hurt people, but I’d never show them to anyone, nor would I allow myself to just write them and not think about why I needed to write them, and in the case of my diary I showed it to you because while it hurt you, I wanted you to know me. And those poems, they started off being true, and then for the beauty became more intense. So yes, those poems I wrote about loving you before we got to gather were actually true.
I understand that your music comes first, above any of your friend, or at least that’s what I must assume because you wrote a song which you knew I’d hear and realise what it was about, so you value the successes of the song more than my friendship, and I guess of your friends I’m pretty close to you. Actually I’m not sure that’s true. I wonder if when it comes to time do the CD you’ll question your right to use certain songs –is that why you don’t like those you wrote about M. anymore?
I’m not removing myself from blame. I hurt myself on you, like a knife, or the pack of cards yous used last night, you’re my mental infliction. But asking stupid questions is what dumped girlfriends do, you however have to be strong enough, right now to not answer them. It’s a tall order, but ask people what they think you should be telling me about your life. Should I give you an example? Maybe. I’m tempted not to write it, and if you need it to understand that I too could hurt you, but I know I can, so don’t say these things, then write to me asking for it. I really understand very well that I do still hurt you, but I’m trying really hard not to, I’m thinking about anyway to minimize it. Hmmm, I hurt you by telling you bluntly what I feel (the emotion not the reason) so when I told you that I hate you, you were hurt. Hate is natural in this situation, but I think its more to do with the fact that you want to be liked so much, that you hate yourself a little bit and that a person you respected hated you hurt because it reconfirmed that. Well I should say I don’t hate you like that. I hate you because it stops me loving you. –now there’s a contradiction! I hate you because you hurt me, because you rejected me, because…a thousand reasons. But my point is that you blame yourself, you take it on bored as if it actually is something you’ve done. But you have no responsibility for what I feel, you have no responsibility for me hating you, maybe I hate the situation, not you actually. Ether way I feel I should be able to say that without you getting hurt because its what you should expect your ex to say. Equally you have every right to tell me to get over it and
