2004-03-28 - 3:50 p.m.
Is there ever a time when friendship isn’t right?
When I got back from my ethics course there was a letter from my ex. lying on the shelf by the door. I’d expected him to call in the evening to ask me how Italy was, but I didn’t expected a letter. I read it on the way up the stairs, the end first. Letters from ex’s are best read backwards, that way you know were they ended up.
For weeks we’ve tried to be friends, but every phone call ends with a fight, or like last night with a fight in the middle of a warm welcome and a fed up good-bye. I’m not sure what he expected, texting me at one in the morning. Maybe he didn’t expect that I would have finished reading his letter in which he explained his happiness at writing a song about flirting with one of my best friends at my birthday celebration. He began the fight (and we’d fight about that if he heard me) by telling me he can’t be friends with me ‘cause he can’t stand it mentally and physically’…and it might not be the right thing to be friends. All these value ladled terms flying around, they smooth his guilt, balm poured on his soul.
…So is there ever a time when friendship isn’t right? Ethically I’m now well educated to answer such a question. Consiquensilism would say that it’s the consequences which mater, so what is the consequence of us being friends?
Negative
Positive
Isolated from other people (2) We enjoy each other’s company(1)
Hurt when the other fucks about(1) We challenge each other mentally (2)
Dependent (1) Emotionally close (1)
Hurt when we fight about ‘breaking up’ issues(2) We did so might do unusual things together which we would not think of doing separately (1)
Emotional closed to others (3)
Now, if I was him I’d take a note that it’s much easier to do negative points than positive. But these issues can be weighted differently, so we might agree that being challenged mentally is of greater less that being hurt when the other fucks about (hence the values; 1 is of greatest value to me) The balancing at the end would then allow the realisation that the consequence are, for me, of positive value.
Now, Principlism would lay it’s foundations on; Autonomy (right to choose), Non-malignance(don’t cause harm), Beneficence(do good) and Dignity. (I find this method hard so bare with me). The first step is to figure out who has a vested interest in the issue. And the second is to figure out how the four issues relate to them, the issue being; my ex and me are friends, were assuming both me and my ex want have chosen in free will and mind to be friends.
Actors with interest in the issue Autonomy
(the right to choice) Beneficence
(the duty to do good) Non-Malignance
(the duty to not cause hurt) Dignity
Me It’s my choice I like who knowing him makes me I will hurt him, without intent or wish It damages my respect for myself
My friends They respect my right Him being there for me makes me a better person, and a better friend to others I have less time and resources per friend… My ex is not really my friend, and how people view his dignity.
My future partner They would know the situation s/he goes out with a better person s/he might be jealous, take longer to find, be in competition Lowers/raises s/his dignity
The Ex. It’s his choice ? He will hurt me It raises his dignity, because he views it as acting right and being special.
His friends They respect his right They gain a friend,
may make him a better friend to them They might get caught up in a complicated situation and this may harm them. They may not respect who I am.
His future partner …might get caught in a situation where their personal choice is not respected He might learn from being friends with me a bit about his own issues…. He may have unresolved/hidden issues which are covered by being friends with me, which may hurt a future relationship Lowers her dignity, or raises it, but it will effect how she views herself.
It gets harder still, you then have to decide who should be weighted more than the other actors, I guess in this case is me, the ex, and our future partners (he seems keen on that idea, I’m still stuck with the huge disgusted at anyone who would want to get into such a situation again), and then weight the values. Normally autonomy rules because we consider that people are rational and adult. I guess autonomy was also his main value when deciding to dump me, and its clearly seen as the founding value of western sexual relations…and no one can really understand what dignity is about anyway…
The next one could be Virtue ethics. Is being friends Good? The old greats would say that friendship was good, and being a friend is a major virtue. Added on to this could be the instinctive ethic, which nicely says that what you do instinctively is ethical. But take the example of the father who was beaten by his father to teach him how to behave, and he would instinctively think that was the ethical way to teach his son –it would feel right. I believe there is a rather strange division between what feels right emotionally and physically, and what feels right if you met people who act differently and want to argue the case. But instinctive ethics, I think, would say that we should concentrate on what feels right mentally –having gotten up the morning with a nagging though, gone through the whole day and then finally sitting down organising your brain. So instinctively we don’t have an issue about eating meat, everyone does it, and it’s a cultural norm. But faced with some information and people tend to start wishing that meat was ethically sound.
I think there are very few ethical problems which we don’t have an instinctive feeling about. If we never question why we feel that way we become trapped by the environment which conditioned us to feel that way, and an example of this would be an adult who does not like dogs, and rationalises that by saying that they bite, and are scary. These two issues are taken as facts but are really values and cultural norms; not all dogs bite and lions are a lot more scary.
So every starting point to an ethical issue is ‘what feels right’. For my Ex, at the start when we broke up it was really important to him that we remain friends. Friendship to him ‘felt right’. He resisted me prodding him to find out why, but I guess he wanted to feel that not everything went down the drain. He believed it was possible, so not un-natural or against human nature (comes into dignity). He believed it was a ‘choice’, we could choose to remain friends. So the two tables are useful to compliment that by coming up with issues the person feels should be taken into account. But it is very important to look at what is not taken into account, and to seek justification about why its been excluded. Which is where he stopped. He did not want to answer the question, why is it so important?, so couldn’t reflect on whether he had the ‘feels right’ about our friendship for ethical reasons he agreed with or for ethical reasons he disagreed with.
So, we leave my ex struggling with his physic, deeply disturbed any time I call, because I remind him that life is not so simple as right and wrong…Part of me now wonders if this has come up because ‘what feels right’ has changed.
Should I stop writing this in third person, Lawrie? I started it as a mock sex in the city, and I was going to send a copy to you, in case you were interested about the ‘right’ thing to do, and a copy to my friends over the e-mail because I though they would be amused. But that last though has me stumped. Have you had a change in your feelings about being friends with me, am I so mad you can’t even be friends with me? Have you noticed that when we were going out we seemed to always be fighting about breaking up, and now we’re fighting about being friends? Its very hard, for both of us. You said in your letter that Chris told you something was bothering you, and I wonder if you think its us being ‘friends’. For me this, us fighting on the phone is natural, normal and health. But like you, I’m not sure I can stand to hear the effect it has on you. I’m glad I called you this morning, because I wanted to show you that I can just have 3 min conversations to wish you a good morning. While its normal and healthy at this moment in our relationship, this fighting is not something I want to be part of our future friendship. I have a feeling it will be. Last night I felt like you were my brother, picking on me. Just like my sister did and does. Seeing a weakness and using it to make them feel better about who they are. This is my perception, and may not have been your intention (and knowing you I’m sure it wasn’t). I felt very small hearing you talk. I can’t imagine that we will have a smooth friendship, but does that make it the wrong thing to do?
We seem to have three options; give up, keep trying, or silence. I guess the outcome we both want is to have some time of ‘good’ friendship. Now what’s a ‘good’ friendship? I guess one with closeness, dependability and communication. Is that what you want out of being friends with me? I’m puzzled because I don’t think it is. I think your worried that those three things you’ll have with your girlfriend. So apart from thinking I’m a great person you’d like in your collection of friends, is there anything you want from me?
I know that if we don’t talk for three months we’ll be ‘once a forward e-mail’, ‘call at new year’ friends. We are both just people, easily replaceable in the grand play of things. I’m glad that as you said, you’ve found you can live without me, I never doubted that. For me what makes someone special isn’t who they are, but what we have together. Right now, for us, that’s overwhelmingly negative. I believe that we could change that, but I’m not sure how, or that it would be right for you. I don’t believe the feelings went anywhere, but I think you, for your own world view and sanity need to believe that. Hearing you laugh on the phone was scary, angrily forced, mocking. It was one phone call, and again today you were distant, and I didn’t feel much communication. Maybe it comes from your expectation that you’ll talk to me soon, there is no speciality in my phone calls. I guess it’s a word of warning, I liked the person I went out with, and I’ll try everything to be their friend, but the person you need to form to show the world your music, I don’t want to be their friend, an audience to an image on stage. That may be a dead warning, how can I form an image of a person that was tired, as I was? So I might be stupid, but though it was worth pointing out. I value you for the person you are, and the potential of what you can do, the person you might become through music I’m a bit…unsure of. Its something you have to achieve because you feel it will make you attractive and successful, so go for it, but just remember it’s not real. One of the guys I met at the course reminded me of you, same height, and similar looks, expect he had the confidence and was a wanker.
The last thing I will say in this letter, in my capacity as your sister, improve your life. Learn a language, get some interests…the uk has enough self centred songs written by boys who never leave their flats.
