2004-03-24 - 2:15 p.m.
To my self part two. It’s nice being able to write to myself at night. Just been up talking to bonnie, after dinner and drinks. Surprised that she feels the same way as me, well in the same sprit. Thing is that the course is going well, and we’re relising loads of things about science communication, the role of sociology in ethics and so on. But its not really teaching us anything in practice. Before I get started I should say that Lawrie replied to my afternoon e-mail. He wrote…a bit about boredom and loneliness making him write happy songs. I was thinking of replying tomorrow, but I don’t want to. I want to wait till Thursday, cause then I will have time to formulate my response, and gather the right amount of coolness. Or should I wait till I get back, no, prob. not because then it would be bazaar if I did not call him, or e-mail him once I’m back. If I e-mail him on Thursday I will have told him my things, and I will have no need to tell him anything, he’ll know it all. The idea of talking to that man, that person, that collection of cells….boils my blood while tingling my skin. The next night this all seems strange. I’ve just been down to the town, drank, and had a terrible end to the night. Laughed are all on the bus…how unterrible does that seem. But it was a manic episode. Havent had one of those in ages, and I really wish I could spend a day or two on my own, but I can’t. was in the enterence, and bonnie was annoyed at me, and the all wondered off to the bar, and I just had to get back to my room, i still want to cut, so badly. Its so hard. Why is it so hard. Half crying now. I relies now, that part of this is to punish myself, the cutting. Because even thought i would be ok with going to bed, part of me wants, feels the need to stay wake, to cut. It’s got a new meaning for me, one which means I can’t go to the councilor because I really do need locked up, and I don’t want to be.
