2003-05-07 - 10:43 p.m.
To my self.
Well. I’m in Italy. It’s 9, and dinner is being served, but I decided against going. I don’t enjoy dinner very much, makes me feel fat, and I threw up after the first night’s event. Today I’m too tired, and I don’t mind going to bed hungry. There is no English tv, so I’ll be sleeping soon.
I can’t imagine seeing Lawrie again. He seems like a dead person. Or rather, like a person who has removed himself from my life. He has become, for me, another separate person from me and mine. I can not imagine feeling part of him, at ease in his company. I feel part of Heidi’s life, even though I don’t play much part any more. I know she… we have a connection. But that connection with Lawrie has been broken. Heidi once said to me that I would be the perfect person, if I was a guy. And that’s the way you feel about your friends, they would be the perfect person for you there was one thing different; sex, age, situation… Applying that what is it about me that Lawrie would change to make me perfect? He does not know, which makes me feel like everything about me is wrong, and how can you think that everything about your friends is wrong? His effort to argue against this is to say that I’m emotionally too … removed, untouchable, in his words I don’t know what I feel when I feel it. I would argue that I do know what I feel, the emotion, but I might not know why I feel it, and no one does, they just justify it at the moment they feel it, and I question the justification I give. Anyway, I feel that is such a large fault which makes me an unsuitable friend to/for him.
What resolution can this situation have? I believe reaffirming who I am to myself, and that, in reality, I do not need him, or anyone. Will this change the fact that I want him in my life as a soul mate? [I feel I should note that I view Heidi as a soul mate] No, but I feel that right now I am destroying him, fighting between telling him he is fooling himself, and destroying him mentally and emotionally because his actions are not defensible logically or rationally, which contrasted with fooling him and lying to him about how I feel he is and who he is (wrapping him in pillows).
It’s rather like having an angle on one shoulder and having a devil on the other. I can’t figure out which to do, which leaves me doing both. But I think this week will allow me the control, the distance, the judgement to do ‘the right thing’ not for me, but for him. And it is because ‘it’ is for him that I can sacrifice my own need, dependency, craving for drama, need for resolution. I can, and will act with this resolution because I can’t bare to hurt him any more. Someone else will have to confuse him, bring him to the understanding that his is only justifying his actions with hindsight. So I will create distance, both within our communication, and our interests.
This makes part of me very sad. I would have loved him to have been a part of my life when I’m older. I would have loved him to know my sacrifice, not to recognise it, but to know this is how much I care for him, precisely because it will contrast with the face I show to him. But I know of no other way, and I can’t bear to hurt him, to hear him hurt on the phone again.
