2004-03-01 - 10:21 a.m.
I miss him. Surprise. I wrote to him this morning, and I came in here and read my rants…my brain is surprisingly fluid. He does know me well. We don’t communicate well. I take weeks, he takes seconds. Talking to people it would seem as if this is every problem between hetrosexuals, and it just bothers others more than most. But I want to be close to him. I really do. I want to love him, and that involves opening up to him. The question stands; does he want me to open up? I think he did months ago, but now…well its late. And he will find it rather odd that its easier for me to do it now, than when we were going out with each other. But see, he could have hurt me, I could have lost him if I said something wrong, how I’ve already lost him, so there is nothing to lose, but just things to gain.
Last night I thought ‘everyone leaves me anyway’, and burst into tears, so I went to sleep. That’s a childhood thought, 14, crying in bed, hating myself for being unlovable. Why can’t I grow up?
