2004-02-28 - 11:40 a.m.
I’m sure that I’ll feel worse tomorrow. But this freedom is addictive. I can do anything with to day –well, apart from the fact I have to work and all… I want to yell at him that it was his fault, and it was. I can see that quite clearly. I was overcompensating. And I wasn’t myself. Part of the conversation I want to have with is about his music, that if he wouldn’t give me his time and effort, how will he give that to music. His impracticality of it is weird. I guess like bon said, this a myth they love.
The Myth of Music. My new novel. The double decade’s angst. I’ve sorted out my e-mail. Put his last into junk. Will reply in two weeks minus a day. A bit chilled now. So I look outside and its still shining. Thing is I believe that he made his self not love me. That I can handle, or that he failed to try. But the idea, and doing the quiz makes me feel that he couldn’t change what he felt, which I totally disagree with. If you love someone once, then you are the one who changes your mind. And like Chris said you can change your brain chemistry. There is nothing which stops me from loving everyone, totally, apart from my history, those little things which bug, or the society surrounding. I wonder if he is modelling his relationships on Lee.
I was thinking today also about being on the pill. I’ve now come off it, which is weird right, because why would you have to be in a relationship to be on the pill. –because it’s the only time I’d sleep with someone and let them come inside me. Which is what the pill does. Why do guys like coming inside us, rather than in a plastic wrapping…why does it make an emotional difference? Because it does, its not just the feeling, it might be the feeling for most part, but then why did he go soft every time he put on a condom?
(oh and I’m getting the photos done, will put some on the web, and the others send to him..after my birthday)
