2004-02-24 - 3:08 a.m.
Ok I’m sorry. I’ve tried hard. Really hard. I hate myself for saying it but your going to get harassed. So I’d suggest that you don’t call me. I’ve wiped your number (I have it written down somewhere in case) but I can’t let go. I did this to maggs as well. Its strange all I can feel is a slight happiness and relief because I feel like shagging the next person coming through the door. I guess that’s rebound. I did not feel like that after Maggs.
I also have a weird feeling that you still love me. That your confused, that you don’t want to spend 2 weekends with me a month, but that if I was there you’d be quite happy with a night or two every week. I guess I can’t give up on this for-ever. I can think of you not wanting a relationship right now, and I’d nearly suggest that we both shag as many people as we.
God this is crap. Starting to really want to be friends with you. Thinking if I could remain like that, quite in the corner watching you with other girls….another girlfriend. Watching you grow away from me. But then your already away. Talking to Chris, who must be loving this, to say nothing of Miriam. I hated Chris when I came up. Seeing him over your shoulder when you disliked the food I cooked or when you said something…having him make faces at you…having him tell me that if we broke up I could go out with him…only understandable as a joke if you know Chris…
So strange. I loved talking about you down here. Now I wish I hadn’t, cause then I wouldn’t have to explain. I wouldn’t have to see people’s pity. Me having no control. And I don’t want people to be sad that I’m alone. Going to with Jane and Adrian was hell, they were so trying to be happy, make me laugh, that was what Adrian was doing the whole night.
