2003-05-17 - 3:29 p.m.
I want to talk, but the room is empty. The silence is only disturbed by the internet radio, and I’m lost. The adrenalin is wearing off, and it’s left me feeling, my muscles drained. I’ve entered the numb part of the after fight. Its much like the end of an after party, when the drugs and alcohol are wearing off and you notice yourself in the mirror, mascara streaked down your eyes. Except this was not fun, I’m not feeling the guilt of groping a boy, not my boyfriend, nor the embarrassment of throwing up in the closet.
Instead I’m feeling the guilt of knowing my sister must be crying, hurt, and that the naboughrs had this wonderful Saturday broken by our shouts. Part of my mind wonders how she is, and I know it’s only a small step to phoning her and finding out. Then I’ll feel even worse and try and take back the things I said.
I’m trying to remember what I said. I saw red, as I normally do when she pushes me so far. I remember trying to say that it was normal that I felt cramped, and I only wanted for her what she did. I remember not jumping at her when she brought up mother dieing. And not laughing when she tried the same childish tricks to hurt. Picking on my friends at the stable a decade ago and my friends now. She did that in Leeds as well. I realise now that she was jealous of me having friends. She felt the need to destroy, so she criticised them. Asked me why I was friends with them. And so now she demeans the people I know now, but I cut her off by leaving.
I came to work, just as my farther did when he and mother fought. It’s the place I feel safest and I wonder if it was the same for him. Like him I don’t understand her need to demean me, and what I have become. She called me spiteful and viscous. So I replied I was proud of it, trying to polarise the label.
She brings it all back to money, and I have to wonder if it about that now. I don’t like her living with me, and she’s living with me because of money. If she was borrowing money off me it would not be so bad, I would not feel this way.
But at least one good thing came out of this. She doesn’t hurt me like before. But that makes me wonder if I hurt her more than before, and I don’t wish that. I just want her happy.
