2003-04-28 - 10:30 a.m.
Boyfriend texted me this morning, asking if I was in at work. Was kind of strange because he called me kid. . .which he’s never done before. So no surprise that it turned out to be for someone else. He next message ‘ignore that’ brought a feeling to my chest, the feeling that something’s wrong. And I think of who he wanted to send it to, who he would call ‘kid’. I know the boy, a 19 year old he’s taken under his wing. I wonder if he recognises some essence of himself at that age.
Earlier I’d thought that it would have been nice if he’d been older than me. I know the rule ‘he’s not so don’t think about it’ but I took a wild turn and ignored it. I know he loves me, I know that. But I think we have a distance because if it. That he will not live with me is a major issue, at least for me. Do I understand his position, absolutely, but it still hurts. Because I know that it will cause complications, and I never wanted a long distance relationship. And I know that the distance is keeping me from falling totally in love with him. I’m scared of losing him, of him losing me.
