2003-03-07 - 9:42 a.m.
crying at the computer screen is silly, bringing back memories of years ago. Its crying outside the window too. The boyfreind is far away and I wonder if the e-mail I'm writing is wrong. Am I feeling this way because of him, or because of everything else in my life? I think its because he's so wonderful and my life is so shit, the contrants is to bright, and now he's not there for me, it hurts to be left looking at something so grey. And everytime I talk to him, I'm left feeling drained, and empty. He wakes me up in the middle of the night and I fall asleep into nightmares.
Trying to re-write the e-mail without crying, because if my co-phd students come in they are going to think it weird, me crying at this computer screen. I feel so empty every time he says he's going to go. There is no regret at leaving me.
I thought about this this morning, I can't let his mother be right, I can't let me break us up. I'm suposed to be going up for my birthday, but I don't want to go, maybe I feel like punishing myself, but when no one to talk to about this, its too hard to see what I'm doing.
