2001-05-02 - 6:50 p.m
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(rants which I've posted on my web site)
Ok the second rant? well it's going to be about how I've changed. Life is good. Death is something which happens. And I must be one of the few people who look forward to the other more than most. As the song says, time is pressure. And yes, no one does want to be lonely, and no one want's to cry. (god damn thing is now on the easy everything music system). But the thing is that sometimes it's best to be alone. Sorry -there's too many thoughts going around my head.
I wish, sometimes, that I had not changed. I found myself asking someone what they meant with the word 'deserved'. I was at Korsicougt, and we were having a wonderful time. But then I had to think. God damn, why I am I so unable to communicate? I only wanted to say that I was not disagreeing with what she wanted to say, but that she was not really saying what she meant. But then I suppose this is strange. We can't say what we mean, and yet we can't mean anything else.
I cried. There was something in her voice which was so spiteful. I -my words, annoyed her. So my face fell, and the words caught in my throat. She said that no one deserved to die. But that's just stupid, because we all die. It's pretty much a proven fact. 'Deserve' has little to do with it. But it was not the issue of death which made me cry.
So the real question becomes, why did those tears run down my face? Well I don't know. I've been feeling like crying for a while now - a good friend left, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life (meaning tomorrow), I've just moved to a new place with people who challenge me. Lots and lots of things which make me feel sorry for myself. For days now I'v wanted to cry, to let the feelings out. It's actually quite disturbed me, because I couldn't.
And now that I have, something occurs to me. I'm sitting in front of a computer screen, telling people I knew once, something which they might find really boring, and strange. It's just this might be a big thing. I think I'm changing. I seem to have stopped questioning the world that I think I know, and I've started on the world I do know. Every word has a meaning which means something, and normally it's not the meaning that I want to communicate, so why do I use that word?
So there. This makes me sad, because I can't talk about it to many people. But have no fear, this will not make me a saner person. And for u's who don't like lemmon person, well I'm sorry but we like her, so Mary's decided she'll stay.
