2002-08-05 - 1:23 a.m.
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ha. I forgot I had this. Its a pity, I could have used it months ago.. .actually it's been a year or so since I wrote. I graduated -yahoo! and I will be moving back to the UK, to do a Phd, but I don't feel the fatalistic ness of that yet. I am living in A'dam, and as I cycled through the city tonight I reised that I will leave a piece of my heart here. I have met so many wonderful people, and I know from past experience they will not follow me. But we will always think kind thoughts about each other. I feel myself withdrawing into myself in preparation for the hurt. I was told I was meek, how sad that people don't value that I can be meek with them. My theory is that there are two types of people, some with soft outsides, and hard centers, and others with hard outsides and soft centers. I switch from group to group, kind of like my sexuality. Loard. The pain in the ass of being bisexual. I'm going to regret this weekend.
I was sitting in the park the other day, soaking up the sun, headphones on, writing. This guy comes and sits down next to me. I don't speak dutch or spanish and he doesn't speak english. And yet he invites me to dinner on Saturday. Takes my mobile number (yes he checked it right there and then) Guess he does not think our mouths will be busy talking. Are all men such freaks? Before I thought they were, based of course on watching my Daddy. Some guys I got to know in the past four years softened this image, but its being hardened by my current company. I should also admit that I'm no longer a heterosexual virgin, or celibate for that matter. Himmm it would be so much easer if I was. I have a male fuck friend, and when he hugs me I feel a calm i've never felt before. This makes me feel a need to own his embrace. But I am not special in his eyes, and my emotion is too strong. And like all my relationships this has only occurred because it's safe since I'm leaving. Its true we are all alone in this world, even lying in bed next to a breathing form. pa. he's in england on holiday, gets back in a week and I don't miss him (yet) but I'm looking forward to seeing him again. There is of course some bitterness since I'm worry the thought is not returned.
